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By Eydie Cubarrubia

The ramifications of Apple CEO Steve Jobs’ announcements Tuesday could affect the cell phone market –worth $251 million in the third quarter of 2006—and the digital home. But screw that.

Instead of pontificating about changing the world and its technology markets, filmmaker/actor Kevin Smith regaled a packed house at Macworld Expo with his often raunchy observations about the movie industry, iPods, and word processors. Really, really raunchy.

Mr. Smith first made a splash with Clerks, a black-and-white independent flick with low production values and compellingly hilarious dialogue. Since then, he’s written well-received movies like Dogma and Chasing Amy, and even a documentary-like short to benefit post-911 charities that explored the, er, acrimonious relationship between New Yorkers and New Jersey denizens.

Whether documentary or feature, what sets apart a Smith film is the insanely blunt dialogue. Same with his live appearances—at least at Macworld, happening through Friday in San Francisco.

“Yeah, I’m just here for some free shit,” Mr. Smith said in opening remarks that even beat Mr. Jobs’. Pointing to a bald spot in the back of his head, the Jersey native added, “I would put an Apple logo there, if they would just give me a free computer!”

In between fondly recalling his days working at a convenience store or admitting the embarrassment he sometimes feels wearing tight costumes for a movie role, the filmmaker also recalled his first Apple and gave his take on what are the real repercussions of the iPhone.

On when he first used an Apple computer: My first Apple I got in late 1994. Up until that point I was writing on a Smith-Corona word processor. I didn’t even know what a computer was—I saw War Games and thought, ‘Shit, I can’t afford that.’ That’s (word processor) what I wrote Clerks on… it had a heavy-ass monitor… a heavy-ass drive… I remember lugging it down to the Quik-Stop. When you wanted to print something out it was just like typing really fast. It took four minutes per page and I was thinking, ‘This shit’s lightening fast!’ I wanted to start work on Mallrats (and a friend introduced him to Apple computers). It had a weird green-screen image… I don’t know what the model was. I worked off that a good year. (Upon news of Clerks tribute sites) I was like, ‘What’s the Internet?’ I didn’t even know how to describe it—I’d never seen a Web page before.

Ever since I’ve been into computers, I’ve been a Mac guy. I don’t want to get into PC-bashing, but PCs are just weird and stupid. ‘Right-click?!’ I’m not a branding guy, but [Apple] and Vans are the only two companies I’d buy stock in.

On digital movie distribution, as a filmmaker: I like it. It’s yet another avenue to get your movie out there. There’s always someone who hasn’t seen something before… And it looks good. And I’d said ‘f*** DVDs’ when they first came out, same when they announced the iPod.

On the new iPhone: I’m just waiting for them to drill a hole in it. The iF***. Now that you can make phone calls from your iPod, the only thing left to do is [make love to] it. Women are in big trouble! And it’ll all be Steve Jobs’ fault.